happy new year guys! can you believe it’s 2015? craziness. it feels like it was just november…where did the holidays go? i haven’t even posted my review of 2014 yet! but before i do, there are a few things i have to get out of my head.
you know, it’s kind of funny how stubborn i can be sometimes.
i’m a creature of habit. i like my warm safe little cocoon. i operate well from inside my bubble, i find comfort in routine. and while i love to adventure, i am always pulled back to my norm as if connected by some magnetic force to my quiet little safe haven. it is absolutely vital to my wellbeing that i turn ‘off’ and decompress once in a while, and when i don’t get that chance all of that magnetic energy just builds up and eventually i shut the walls down tight.
which is why it is never good for me to make too much change at once.
life has been filled with changes lately. we’ve been so busy, on the go and traveling so much the past few months that we’ve only had a couple days to a week at home at any given time. i am so thankful that all of these changes have been lovely ones, desired ones even. we’ve been happy! but too much alteration to my norm always leaves me in a tailspin, threatening to set off hermit-mode and induce a couple of weeks in a blanket fort.
this time, instead of judging myself and feeling negatively about my quirks, i am trying to be gentle with myself. acknowledging my reactions, allowing them to be and accepting them as valid, and giving myself permission to feel whatever it is i need to. am i a bit overwhelmed? yes, but that doesn’t mean i will continue to be. am i a bit sad? at times, but that doesn’t mean things aren’t also good. am i happy and excited? yes, but that doesn’t mean other emotions won’t accompany the sunshine and rainbows. am i frustrated? at times, but that doesn’t mean i have to give up.
this time, i am giving myself permission to just be. no expectation, just acceptation.
and as i am working to remove expectations, some things are beginning to feel a bit lighter. as you can see, i am back here writing today. i removed the expectation of when and how i ‘have’ to write, or who i have to ‘be’ to write here…and suddenly i wanted to write again. i was struggling with feeling like i didn’t belong here anymore, didn’t ‘fit’ the blog any longer. but with the expectation removed, i can see that this place isn’t about any particular image or brand. i don’t have anything to ‘fit’. it’s just me. this is real life. it’s not one label or another, its messy and untidy and that’s okay.
i have a point here somewhere, i promise. what it really comes down to is that amidst all these changes, i’m really a lot about what it means to let go. here’s an example. because i’ve been so busy, i haven’t had a chance to complete my annual year-in-review yet (see 2011, 2012 and 2013 in review). it just didn’t fit with what i was doing on new year’s eve this year. no big deal, right? well, at first i let it bother me. immensely, actually. not reviewing my year felt as if i was saying it didn’t matter, as if i was allowing things to change me instead of staying true to myself. this one little blog post became the scapegoat for everything else…too much change, everything was different and threatening my safe little place. but when i removed the expectation, i left some space for perspective…and that perspective is revealing what my safe little bubbles are really all about:
stubbornness. which is created from the need for control. which is really all about fear…
this year, i want to say goodbye to fear. i want to let that stubbornness go, and i want my cozy little cocoons to come from a place of contentedness and peace rather than a need for control and safety.
so this year, my word of the year is assurance.
assurance. the antonym of fear.
i first selected dedication as my focus for the year. but the more i thought about it, it just didn’t fit. i still want to focus on being dedicated to my studies, to enjoying time with Little Man, to my health and fitness goals, to the relationships with all of my loved ones. but if i look deep down at what i really need in my life right now, it’s assurance.
assurance is defined as “1) a positive declaration intended to inspire confidence or give encouragement, 2) a promise or pledge, surety, 3) freedom from doubt, full confidence, and 4) freedom from timidity, belief in oneself”
this will be my year of assurance. assurance in my abilities, my worth, myself. assurance in others, in the trust i can place in them and that they can place in me as well. assurance in my child’s and my future, our success and resiliency and happiness.
but most of all, assurance in God’s plan for me, for my child, for our lives and our well-being. assurance that i can be content and peaceful because He has us in the palm of His hand. assurance that no matter what, no matter how many changes occur in this life, everything is going to be okay.