One of Those Nights

Some nights, sitting here alone after the hum of the day has quietened, I still just can’t believe it.

It’s like, for a split second, my mind reaches out of the comfortable numbness in which I function day to day and actually touches on the reality of what has happened. And in those seconds, terror grips my heart and steals my breath away and makes me sick, all at the same time. It’s like waking from a deep, deep sleep and not knowing where you are, whose life you are living. I feel confused, and scared, and completely baffled at how you can be gone. Not just gone, but dead. That word grips me in these moments…dead. D-e-a-d. Buried in the ground less than two miles away. I’ll never understand how someone who was so larger than life, so full of spirit, so influential and important to so many people, someone who was my and my son’s entire world, could be here one second and gone the next, without a minute’s warning. Dead is something that other people are, not you. Not until we are old and gray and our kids have had kids and we are yelling at invisible squirrels from our front porch rocking chairs. How could this have happened to you? We didn’t even get to have the last six months of your life together…

Yeah, this is one of those nights.


Wish there was some way I could help. All I can do is send my love and best wishes. And pencil in a vacation for 25 years time to sit and yell at invisible squirrels with you…….. Hang in there, he’ll be right there with you when you are yelling at those pesky invisible squirrels……..

Wonderful writing, sad and truthful and yearning…I understand. My husband lived longer, we raised our kids together, and yet the shock and disbelief that he no longer exists was impossible to “get” for a long long time.


I know this post is old but I just found your blog. I am also a young widow with a 12 month old son. My husband was killed when I was 7 months pregnant. As I read this post it was as if I wrote it myself. Even though it’s been over a year I still feel like this most days…


Hi Monique, I’m so glad you found the blog. My heart goes out to you, I can’t imagine having given birth without The Hubs there. It’s so hard raising a child from infancy without your partner, I did it alone from 3 months on. Please know you are not alone in your feelings, I still have days like this one even though I am over 2 years out now. They are just farther between than before. If you ever need or just want to chat, please email me! Take good care of yourself… ((hugs)) Erin


I feel exactly the same. Thanks for putting it into words. I too have someone who was my life buried just two miles away. I find it hard to understand or make sense of it. Hugs to you. God bless. Thank you for this post.

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