I know I should be blogging about Christmas or New Year’s Eve or something a good blogger would do. But instead, this is all I’ve got tonight. I really need to vent.
I hate this. I hate the way I feel. I hate the lump in the back of my throat that won’t go away and the uneasy feeling of never being completely relaxed. I hate not feeling completely comfortable anywhere with anyone. I miss The Hubs. My best friend, the one person who knew me inside and out, my soulmate, my partner whom I was supposed to share every day with for the rest of my life. I feel alone and naked and just not RIGHT without him.
I hate this all-consuming loneliness that lurks along behind me everywhere I go, just waiting for any opportunity to jump out and attack me. It’s so very hard not to feel completely all alone sometimes. I am so thankful for all of my wonderful friends, but as a military wife who moved often my friends are scattered all across the US, not nearby for dinner dates or coffee trips. And I am absolutely grateful that I now live near my and The Hubs family, but I feel bad monopolizing their time and assuming they will entertain me when they have their own lives to live. And yes, I have my amazing Little Man who is always with me and is my best little partner and buddy. But nothing fills the gaping hole left in The Hub’s absence. Nothing makes me feel completely AT HOME. I stare at these four walls and I just feel so alone.
You know that feeling when you’ve been through something stressful, or away on a long trip, and you just can’t wait to get home and finally heave a big sigh and whoooosh, you are totally relaxed and relieved and you feel like yourself again? Yeah, that feeling… I long for that. I haven’t felt it in 642 days. I long for my HOME. The Hubs was my home. HE was what gave me that feeling of completely sheer relief that I was safe, secure, happy, and loved. We were that for each other. For us, from the day we got married and looked ahead at our life together we knew that no matter what we were in it together. Moving overseas a year later just hammered that in. All we had was each other. But all we needed was each other. And we knew that no matter what, as long as we had US, everything was okay. Now, nothing is ever okay.
Some days I am optimistic, some days I focus on the good and our good memories and what I have to be thankful for, but other days I just want to scream every bad word I know at the top of my lungs and take off running and never stop. I just want him back. I want the other half of me that is just empty and gone.