I should be doing a recap post of this weekend, telling you all about the wonderful memorial held in honor of our fallen heroes, but instead I am going to vent. (I promise I will share photos and a happy post soon!)
Laying around sick for the last few days has given me way too much time to think. Coming off of the memorial weekend, emotions were already running high. Then add in the approaching 20-month anniversary (which is today) and the sickness-induced haze, and a major depressive episode has been brewing. I’ve been in serious feeling-sorry-for-myself mode, weepy and depressed and woe-is-me. It seems like every time I think I am making good progress, one of these spells brings me down and makes me wonder just how well I am doing after all.
Right now I am questioning myself, my progress, my so-called life and plans. What am I really doing with myself? I stay at home with my son, taking care of him and teaching him and playing with him. Yes, that is a big job in itself. And I am grateful to have the opportunity to relish in these years together with him. I know many parents would love the chance to stay at home with their children. But in my situation, that is all I do. 24/7, every day, that is it.
I’m a mommy. I’m a widow. But where is Erin in all of this? Who is she, where is she going? What is she supposed to do with this new life?
I have my photography business, but with scheduling issues I’m not doing much with it right now. My Graduate School plans have been put on hold until next year due to missed deadlines. I have a new volunteer position I’m involved in on a part-time basis. But what am I really doing? What is my purpose, my structure in daily life? I don’t work, I don’t go to school, and I don’t have much of a social life. I’m not really involved in any extra activities. I just stay at home with my toddler, day in and day out. Where is the progress in this? How am I supposed to create a new start, a fresh happy life, if I don’t do anything? How am I supposed to make new friends and connections and interactions if I just stay at home with my kiddo? But in my situation, how am I supposed to do anything but that, really?
I am straddling a huge gap right now, one foot in the past and one in the future, and I have no clue which way to move to get out of this painful split and onto the right path. I look back at the past I am leaving, and it hurts. I would love to jump back and stay there, but I can’t. I look down at the mess I am hovering over, and it confuses me. It would be so easy to cut my losses, slip down into the chasm and call it quits, but I can’t. And I try to look ahead to the future, to see what is out there waiting for me, but I can’t see anything. I don’t know what to do.
I need some structure, some sort of plan or activity or action to take to feel like I am doing something constructive and making positive steps in my own progress. I hate being in limbo, not knowing what is out there for me and feeling so lonely in the process.
Tell me, readers, what is the magical answer?