I’ve been struggling with a difficult aspect of this widowhood journey lately: balance.
It’s so hard to balance the “old” life and “new” life, your past with your present and future. As I find ways to heal and move forward, I’ve been feeling an unsettling amount of guilt and worry that each step I take toward the future is carrying me further away from the life that means so much to me.
At first it was an internal struggle; wondering if I could even fathom a life where The Hubs was with me spiritually instead of physically, and wondering how I would reconcile that with anything that develops in the future. Through prayer and writing and thoughtful meditation, I’ve finally made my peace with that and I know that I will always carry him with me no matter where I go; The Hubs will always be in my heart, he will always be my husband, he will always be Little Man’s father, and I will always love him. I have zero doubts about my ability to keep him as present in my heart in the future as he has been in the past.
But now it seems to have become more of an external struggle, at least in my perception. It feels like the more I do in this new life, the more choices I make and paths I explore, the harder it is to keep our bond as ‘visibly’ present to others. I worry that as people see me ‘moving on’, they will think I moving away from him or loving him less. Because the truth is, I have to move forward. I truly wish I could spend every day of the rest of my life in veiled mourning for him, but he would kick my ass if I did that. He wants me to be happy, to live and to love. So while I will always be The Hubs’ widow, I’m now learning to be simply Erin again. A woman who will form new relationships and build a new life and start a second chapter. And how do you that without it looking to others like you’ve closed the door on the first one?
If you are reading this and have been in a similar situation, how do you move forward and form new relationships, start new journeys, and begin to embrace a new life while still keeping it visibly evident that your love is still with you? How do you make sure it is known just how much you still love your late spouse even though you may love another too one day? How do you ‘move on’ without ‘letting go’? How do you find balance between old and new, and how do you help the people in your life understand that you can have both without lessening either one?
Although I may be struggling with balance, one thing is certain. No matter where I may go, no matter who I may love, and no matter where the future takes me…I will always love The Hubs. I will spend the rest of my life loving him, sharing his love and life with our son, and carrying on his legacy with proud adoration. He is and was my best friend, my soulmate, and my husband. Nothing could EVER change that.