Balance

I’ve been struggling with a difficult aspect of this widowhood journey lately: balance.

It’s so hard to balance the “old” life and “new” life, your past with your present and future. As I find ways to heal and move forward, I’ve been feeling an unsettling amount of guilt and worry that each step I take toward the future is carrying me further away from the life that means so much to me.

At first it was an internal struggle; wondering if I could even fathom a life where The Hubs was with me spiritually instead of physically, and wondering how I would reconcile that with anything that develops in the future. Through prayer and writing and thoughtful meditation, I’ve finally made my peace with that and I know that I will always carry him with me no matter where I go; The Hubs will always be in my heart, he will always be my husband, he will always be Little Man’s father, and I will always love him. I have zero doubts about my ability to keep him as present in my heart in the future as he has been in the past.

But now it seems to have become more of an external struggle, at least in my perception. It feels like the more I do in this new life, the more choices I make and paths I explore, the harder it is to keep our bond as ‘visibly’ present to others. I worry that as people see me ‘moving on’, they will think I moving away from him or loving him less. Because the truth is, I have to move forward. I truly wish I could spend every day of the rest of my life in veiled mourning for him, but he would kick my ass if I did that. He wants me to be happy, to live and to love. So while I will always be The Hubs’ widow, I’m now learning to be simply Erin again. A woman who will form new relationships and build a new life and start a second chapter. And how do you that without it looking to others like you’ve closed the door on the first one?

If you are reading this and have been in a similar situation, how do you move forward and form new relationships, start new journeys, and begin to embrace a new life while still keeping it visibly evident that your love is still with you? How do you make sure it is known just how much you still love your late spouse even though you may love another too one day? How do you ‘move on’ without ‘letting go’? How do you find balance between old and new, and how do you help the people in your life understand that you can have both without lessening either one?

Although I may be struggling with balance, one thing is certain. No matter where I may go, no matter who I may love, and no matter where the future takes me…I will always love The Hubs. I will spend the rest of my life loving him, sharing his love and life with our son, and carrying on his legacy with proud adoration. He is and was my best friend, my soulmate, and my husband. Nothing could EVER change that.

Naomi

At the end of the day, Erin, it is just your own perception that really matters. Those who knew Bryan, those who still know you, know that there is no letting go involved. The people who matter to you will always know how much you still love Bryan, always. Just keep taking each step, one at a time, the people who truly care for you, who love you, will rejoice for every incremental stage of healing you accheive. Those who think otherwise cannot know you at all, not if they ever think you could let go of your memories. Moving past the pain is healthy, and you have already said, it is what Bryan wants for you too.

Love you Erin.

Naomi

monica

Written beautifully Erin!!

Aimee

I believe what Naomi wrote is very true! I couldn’t have said it better. Love you Erin!

Naomi took the words right out of my mouth! What she said is so true. The people who know you and love you will understand that you carry him with you forver – but they will also rejoice as they see you moving through the stages of grief and learning to be happy again – which is exactly what Bryan would want for you, as you said.
Anybody who judges you for getting your life put back together, moving forward, and someday finding love again, cannot truly know you. And those people will have never experienced anything like you have, so they don’t understand, and they have no right to judge.

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