Prior to this blog, I kept a private journal for many, many years. I had an off-and-on relationship with my LiveJournal, going through periods of writing daily then writing very infrequently, and sometimes even deleting the whole thing and starting again.
After all of the initial arrangements and services that occurred after The Hubs died, I found myself all alone in our house in South Dakota, far away from our families in Florida, the single parent of an infant and facing the worst pain of my life, all alone. Knowing I would explode if I didn’t get things out but not quite ready to start sharing, I turned to that old trusty private journal, writing in it when I felt like I was going to scream. At one point, I almost deleted all of the entries, like I had done many times before, but something told me not to. And now, a year after starting this blog, a year of reaching out and connecting with so many other amazing people, I know why I didn’t delete those old entries.
That old journal is a time capsule, an account of one of the rawest and most painful times of my life. I am so glad those thoughts are there for me to revisit, to act as proof of how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown. They give me hope – sure I still have hard times now, but if I was able to come this far, how far can I ultimately go? And that feeling of hope is so important. So I’ve decided to share these stories with you, those who are also facing the rollercoaster of widowhood, in hopes that maybe you will feel the same sense of optimism and accomplishment. In hopes that you will know you aren’t alone in your feelings, that you will get through those depths of despair. And that there are people who understand you and are right there with you on your journey.
So, once a week I will share a post from my previously-private journal, in chronological order. Here’s to hope.