I woke up breathless around four this morning. I had a dream about The Hubs, my first in a while.
I don’t dream about him much. In the beginning I remember wishing, pleading, hoping for a dream about him…anything just so I could see him and hear him and feel him again. It took forever for that dream to finally happen and when it did, I wrote it all down as soon as I woke up. I did that for most of the first dreams I had of him. They were few and far between and they all seemed to hold some sort of specific message. I was so grateful for those dreams.
Now, I still rarely dream of him. But I don’t wish for them as much anymore. Because when I do have them, they aren’t good dreams.
It’s hard to remember the dreams now beyond the first few minutes of waking. But they all seem to have the same theme: he’s back. We are both aware that he died and is back now. Why he is back varies from dream to dream; it was all a big mistake and he was lost in Afghanistan, it was a cover-up for a covert operation no one could know about, he was actually recovering in a hospital somewhere and had amnesia, etc. Last night’s version: he actually was dead, but somehow miraculously revived. In all of these dreams, he never quite looks or acts like himself. He has varying degrees of injuries or has simply changed into a slightly different person. And in all of these dreams, while we are ecstatic to see each other and still very much in love, we know he is going to have to leave again and whatever it is we are doing (last night it was packing our bags in a hotel and getting ready to travel somewhere) is filled with a sense of dread that our reunion isn’t going very last long.
These dreams leave me so unsettled. It’s hard to describe. It usually takes me half of the following day to recover from the odd feeling I am left with. I feel fresh hurt all over again. For a moment, after waking, I feel so excited seeing his face and hearing his voice and ‘feeling’ him around again. And then I feel disappointment, knowing it wasn’t real. And then I feel something I’m having a hard time putting into words: an unsettled feeling, kind of haunted and hollow, shaken and upset and looking over my shoulder. I wish I knew what this was and why it is happening.
I thought maybe writing about it would help put it all together, but I’m just feeling more ‘off’ thinking about it all. I hate this feeling these dreams leave me with, and I hate that I don’t enjoy my dreams of The Hubs. I wish I could have just one real, pleasant, happy dream of him, to see him as him again. But wishes could come true, we all know what I’d wish for.