Dreams

I woke up breathless around four this morning. I had a dream about The Hubs, my first in a while.

I don’t dream about him much. In the beginning I remember wishing, pleading, hoping for a dream about him…anything just so I could see him and hear him and feel him again. It took forever for that dream to finally happen and when it did, I wrote it all down as soon as I woke up. I did that for most of the first dreams I had of him. They were few and far between and they all seemed to hold some sort of specific message. I was so grateful for those dreams.

Now, I still rarely dream of him. But I don’t wish for them as much anymore. Because when I do have them, they aren’t good dreams.

It’s hard to remember the dreams now beyond the first few minutes of waking. But they all seem to have the same theme: he’s back. We are both aware that he died and is back now. Why he is back varies from dream to dream; it was all a big mistake and he was lost in Afghanistan, it was a cover-up for a covert operation no one could know about, he was actually recovering in a hospital somewhere and had amnesia, etc. Last night’s version: he actually was dead, but somehow miraculously revived. In all of these dreams, he never quite looks or acts like himself. He has varying degrees of injuries or has simply changed into a slightly different person. And in all of these dreams, while we are ecstatic to see each other and still very much in love, we know he is going to have to leave again and whatever it is we are doing (last night it was packing our bags in a hotel and getting ready to travel somewhere) is filled with a sense of dread that our reunion isn’t going very last long.

These dreams leave me so unsettled. It’s hard to describe. It usually takes me half of the following day to recover from the odd feeling I am left with. I feel fresh hurt all over again. For a moment, after waking, I feel so excited seeing his face and hearing his voice and ‘feeling’ him around again. And then I feel disappointment, knowing it wasn’t real. And then I feel something I’m having a hard time putting into words: an unsettled feeling, kind of haunted and hollow, shaken and upset and looking over my shoulder. I wish I knew what this was and why it is happening.

I thought maybe writing about it would help put it all together, but I’m just feeling more ‘off’ thinking about it all. I hate this feeling these dreams leave me with, and I hate that I don’t enjoy my dreams of The Hubs. I wish I could have just one real, pleasant, happy dream of him, to see him as him again. But wishes could come true, we all know what I’d wish for.

Jaclyn

I am a full believer in dreams and after losing someone I love dearly, them communicating with us through our dreams. After my Dad died, I had a dream that he was being wheeled into an ambulance and me telling him that I thought he had died. His response was “No,I’m right here”. I replied to him that I was there, I saw him pass away. He said “I just wanted to let you know I was okay.” I have had 2 very similar dreams since then…maybe he is telling you to pack up something? I don’t know but, I do hope and pray you get the very happy dream with him as I know how disappointing it is to wake up to find reality smacking us right in the face :(

Love you!

Laura

It sounds like your subconcious is trying to work out issues of living your life while moving farther away from the life you loved. You’re still slowly letting go. It’s ok, you’re just fine, it’s a part of working through these emotions so you can grow. Feel a hug from me!

Amber

You don’t know me, but I knew your husband. We were in the same class in EOD school. I heard about your blog through the Fertility Friend boards (of all places). I just wanted to offer my condolences. My husband and I were both EOD and I just felt like I needed to reach out – because I don’t feel it happen often enough. Often, when someone we know has died (even in the tight EOD community), we get to move on while their family is left shattered to pick up the pieces. I have read your blog and I admire your courage and your strength. I would only hope I could have an ounce of that if I were in your place. The nation may not recognize it, but there are heros in those who support their spouses who wear the uniform. They are given no medals for this and that’s a shame.

In the beginning I rarely dreamed of TJ and like you I longed for it. Although about 2 weeks ago I was in that half awake/half asleep state on a Sunday morning and I was so sure I heard him in the kitchen making coffee that I yelled out his name and asked if he had fed the horses yet (this was an every Sunday thing when he was alive). The moment I did it I knew it was wrong and I was totally freaked out by my behavior and his dog jumped up and perked his ears up upon hearing TJ’s name out loud….I felt so bad. This has haunted me every since.

I have no idea what dreams mean or if they really mean anything. I do know that they can bring comfort or be disturbing and I prefer the ones that bring comfort.

Hang in there!

Tricia

Hi Erin. This is the first time I’ve read your blog. I actually found it through BlogHer voices. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. But my friend lost her husband in Iraq 3 and a half yrs ago. They were high school sweet hearts and he died right around their one yr anniversary. It was hard to know she was a widow at 20. But I thank you so much… for voicing your feelings here. It’s so brave. And thank you for being a hero, because you are. And I hope one day your child sees that. Daddy may be an obvious hero, but mom is one too.

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