October 7, 2009
Feeling very weird this afternoon. I realized that I haven’t felt sad in a while. From about noon yesterday and on, I’ve really felt myself slipping back into our familiar old daily routine. The phone isn’t ringing as much, not as many people are coming by, and Little Dude is back to ‘normal’ on his schedule. I am doing things the same way as I always did before, throughout this entire deployment. The day is exactly the same now, only minus a phone call and a few emails. And it feels normal. And that feels so wrong. I think I am sinking into a weird state of denial or disillusion. As long as nothing triggers my thoughts in that direction, I could go on for a while pretending like everything is ‘over’ and ‘back to normal’ and one day The Hubs will call with his flight itinerary and I will start getting things ready for his homecoming. That is exactly how I feel right now. It just feels like he is still deployed and still coming home one day. I have this constant feeling of waiting humming in the background and I am not sure what to attribute that to. Is it that I am so crazy that I am waiting for him to come home still, or perhaps my subconscious is waiting for me to come out of denial and accept that he is gone? Part of me really feels like I need to do something to trigger myself and the flood of a breakdown that is lingering behind the huge wall I have put up, and then the other part of me is too afraid and sad to do that and is perfectly content to stay in my little dream world. I just think it is so weird that I haven’t felt sad or haven’t really felt anything for the last two days. I must be a cold heartless bitch. But maybe I’d rather be that than feel the misery I think is waiting in the wings somewhere. I really want to run away somewhere for a while, maybe go to Utah to hike the trails with T or go to Kentucky to have a beer with L. Somewhere that is completely different and maybe would shock my system into realizing that life isn’t normal right now. Okay, I am rambling.