Entry from October 10, 2009
Having a moment of reality, I think. What the hell am I doing up here? Continuing on with our old daily routine as if everything is fine? Holding down the fort as if he is still coming home? That is not going to happen. He is not going to magically call me and say everything is fine now, he is not going to come home with the other two guys from his shop this upcoming week. The remainder of the deployment that I was riding out, I am no longer. What the hell am I up here for?? Why am I suffering through being all alone in this house, feeling like I am waiting on something, when the truth is that I am waiting on NOTHING?! What I am waiting for is NEVER going to happen. I could continue on ‘holding down the fort’ for 10 years and never rid myself of that feeling of waiting, never reach what I am longing for. It’s just not going to happen. So why the hell am I fooling myself?! Why the f**k am I going through the motions??? This is so f**king stupid.
ETA. Now this morning I am thinking through the opposite side of this. I know why I am still up here. This is my damn life! We worked SO hard to get here. We busted our asses for five years, working hard and paying off debt and building up savings and making plans for the future and planning our dream home and creating our life. We worked so hard to get here, and finally had the life we dreamed of for so long. The baby we longed for, the stability we struggled for, the house we dreamed of, the future we committed to bust our tails for when we were just 19. So many of our younger years were spent working hard to create this life, and we had finally ‘arrive’ and felt ‘at home’ within the last year. And dammit, I am not going to give it up!! This is my f**king life. Is it not bad enough that I’ve had my husband snatched away from me, but now the life we worked so hard to build is snatched from me, too?!?! How freaking fair is that?! I’m supposed to just turn my back on everything we have worked to build, and go back to square one?! No way. I’m not giving up our life. I’m just not. I’ll continue it alone if I can’t continue it with him. He would want nothing less.