I have so much to write about, my dears. After a long day of travel, Little Man and I are home from our whirlwind vacation. We had such a great time together, I’ll share pictures soon! But I also have a lot to ponder, a lot on my mind that will pour out in my writing over the next few days…
Life is a a hard thing, chock full of unexpected moments that can either wreck you or bless you, and sometimes both. God is working me right now, in both of those ways, and I am so fragile I am nearly bursting at the seams with the touch of His hand. I’ve been thrown a curve ball, one I don’t know whether to catch or let fly by, and I feel like I’m standing in slow motion staring as flies toward me. And during it all, I feel His call to turn it over to Him, let Him direct the wind and determine where it goes.
I want the blessing and understanding that will come from giving it all over to Him, but honestly I am afraid of the work. I want simple. And nothing is, is it? It’s hard to let your heart be molded, pushed and stretched, tested. It’s hard not to stand in your own way and let your own desires make you push for things that might not be in His plan. It’s hard to face your own shortcomings and see your areas of weakness in all of their imperfect glory. For far too long, I’ve been someone who had to be in control of her life. I was the ‘binder queen’, Miss List-Maker, the one who researched everything to death and made sure things were perfectly planned out. And the past few years of my life have shown me that no matter how much you think you are in control, you aren’t. And you shouldn’t be. And just when I began to touch on the beginnings of that understanding, the experiences of the past few weeks have pulled the last strands of the rug out from under me. There is no sure footing now, and I am finally at the place where I am finally surrendering. Giving it all up.
It’s His work, not mine. I know what I want, but do I know what I need? Do I know what anyone else needs, although I know I have a lot to give? I pray for peace as I learn to wait patiently for all of the beauty and blessings that are out there for me, for the messenger that will desire to bring them. And until I finally find that contentment, or it finds me, I will thank Him. For the small joys of life, for the big surprises we are granted, for the struggles that make us see what is worthwhile.
It’s hard, but worth it.