Full Circle

It’s so interesting to realize how many times we come ‘full circle’ in life. Our journeys are not linear, mine especially. My life has been a scribbled line full of loops and turns and returns.

I found an old piece of writing tonight in an old journal that immediately struck a chord with me. It’s amazing just how much I can relate to this very same emotion at this point in my life, just as I did back when I wrote in June of 2002. Nearly ten years later, a part of my spirit has looped right back to where it was at age 18. With nearly a decade of experience and wisdom under my belt, I now understand and handle it a lot differently than I did back then. But it feels much the same as it did then.

It’s oddly comforting, like confiding in an old friend and realizing they understand you. It’s a bit like revisiting yourself and receiving affirmation. Part of me wishes I could speak to that young girl and tell her it will all work out. But then I realize that, being in the same space now, I should tell myself those words right now.

Anyway, I wanted to share the old writing I found because it resonated with me so much. This young creative version of myself has inspired me. Maybe she’ll inspire you too.

 

6.21.2002

“…I love the mornings. They are so fresh and new, and bring with them the promise of hope. A hope to one day reach the ultimate diamond we all have been mining for-

Happiness.

How do you truly reach the place called happiness? I think it all has to do with satisfaction.

It starts when we are born. We immediatly begin craving something. Only, at that age we are not too timid to make it known. We cry out when we are not satisfied, and make it plainly known what we need….

But as we get older, somehow we do not get wiser. We become less attentive of the need to be happy and satisfied. We feel as if we are missing something, but can never quite pinpoint the reason. But through all I have been through, I think I have figured it out. Unhappiness is simply a result of a neglected need.

I’ve been pondering why I have felt unhappy about myself and my life, and that is what I have come up with.

Unhappiness is a result of a neglected need.

So what needs do I have that are not being satiated? What is it that I crave so intensely that I have not recieved?

…Sometimes I feel as if I am forever searching and hoping. Searching and hoping for someone who can truly understand the way that I think and feel.

And I don’t really even mean that in a romantic way, just in a friend way. Just someone who is also a deep thinker and views things the way that I do. Someone who can appreciate that and love it because we are kindred in our love for art, feeling, nature, emotion…someone who is real and not just humoring me.

…Every detail of every aspect of life and the people and nature in it is amazing and beautiful to me.

And I don’t see how others can take it for granted.

Everything we see and do is a gift.

The sun shining through the leaves of an antique tree, dappling the ground beneath it, creating shades of green so intense you can feel the texture just by looking at it.

The wind blowing softly through a comfy nest of flowers, encouraging them to cry out happiness and light into teh hearts of the children who reach for them.

So many things are taken for granted by others. They don’t even see the beauty around them, much less appreciate it.

And that is why I am unsatisifed.

I am alone in my world of beauty and wonder. A wonderland can lose its luster when left in solitude to wither. I need a sun to come along and brighten it even more at the times when I don’t think it could be any brighter.

…Sure I have people in my life who love me immensely and to whom I am completely devoted and in love. And I am truly grateful to those peope and do not care to know what life would be like without them.

Yet I am still unhappy with myself and my life.

And the only way to reach happiness is to satisfy my neglected need, my craving for a kindred mind and soul…”

You are not alone in this. I see that beauty and wonder in nature too, and often it is so powerful it overwhelms me. I’m glad to know that when I see that beauty, I know you will see it too.

What an insightful young woman you were! Nature holds so much beauty. What we see is only the surface in my opinion. Much like what people see on the surface of a widow does not in any way tell the entire story of their pain/grief.

I’ve been really thinking a lot about happiness lately too. I’m starting to really believe that we choose to be happy or unhappy. As imperfect humans though we let events control that choice, this is where pure discipline takes place and it’s so hard but it makes happiness more worth it when we finally achieve it.

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