Today

I felt you all around today.

Today was a great day.

Not because I felt you so strongly, of course that added to it. But what I mean is, I think I felt you so strongly today because I was having a great day.

Today, I ran.

Today, he played.

Today, I grilled.

Today, we enjoyed a gorgeous summer day.

I used to think that mourning you was the only way I could feel close to you. Surrounding myself with your pictures, listening to old songs, submersing myself in videos or articles or tributes written about you posthumously. It felt like if I could just feel the pain, cry the tears, jump head first into the hole left in your absence, I would feel the bits of you left behind.

But today I realized something. The moments I feel you the most intensely are just the opposite. When I am smiling. When I am achieving. When I am doing, being, soaking up the moment. When I am living. These are the times when the very essence of you is overwhelming.For a few surreal moments, I felt like you were running with me, just out of my line of vision. Your presence was that strong. Preparing dinner on your grill, I closed my eyes for a moment and lifted my face to the sun, feeling the heat and smelling the scent of summer, and I could almost hear your laughter. Watching our little boy drink from the water hose with unbridled joy, I could see your light in his eyes and feel the sense that you were so, so proud of how far we have come.

You taught me something today. Something I will carry with me every day forward.

Today was a great day.

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