I’ve felt the intense pull to write lately, but haven’t been able to do it. I don’t know why, perhaps because I have so many different things going on in my life right now that it is hard to narrow my focus and write about one particular one to the justice it deserves. But as usual, if I go for too long without purging my thoughts I start to get cluttered and my thoughts jumble. I need to write.
So since it’s difficult to streamline my thoughts these days, how about a stream of consciousness? I’m setting a timer for 10 minutes. Whatever comes out, comes out. No stopping, no editing. Annnnnd, go:
It’s been an interesting season inside this heart. I’ve felt more alone in the past few months than ever, yet at the same time closer to discovery and realization than ever. Life has been busy. Graduate school is intense right now, it really takes up a lot more of my time than I realized it would. I spent some time traveling recently and while parts of it were relaxing, they were emotional. Emotional because they weren’t emotional. Let me explain… I ran my first race, a 10k, in honor of The Hubs. I finished in a horrible time (too embarrassing to admit) but I am proud I did it. On that race, for the first time in longer than I care to admit, I felt myself tearing up. As I ran past Arlington National Cemetery and caught my first glimpse of those white stones, nearing the end of the course and feeling tired and in pain from my injured leg, it’s like the numbness lifted for a moment and I realized exactly what I was doing and why. I felt the loss again, and I talked to him. I encouraged the tears, I wanted them to flow, I wanted to break down and feel. But the tears didn’t fall, and I chugged along. Quite the metaphor. And while I left DC after the race with a sense of accomplishment, at the same time I felt like I’d missed it altogether. Missed the meaning. Missed the emotion. Hard to explain, hard to admit. But it taught me something. It’s just another example of how I’ve allowed my reaction to grief squash me. I’ve allowed the emotion of life to be sucked right out of me in the past year or so. While I am glad I have finally leveled out, I am not glad I have lost touch so much. I don’t feel extremes, just middle of the road all the time. And I want more than that. God has been working on my heart lately. This experience coupled with some others in my life to include relationships, finances, friendships, stress, parenting, and just an aching, longing, lonely sense of discontent have all brought me to my knees humbly before Him asking for guidance. Asking for truth. Asking him to strip me bare, of all of my pretenses and preconceived notions and expectations, and fill me with His love. Fill me with the desire to know Him more, to become the woman He has designed me to be. Guide me to the right church, the loving mentors I so need to help shape me and mold me and teach me about this life. To open my eyes to the opportunities around me to experience this world, touch lives, and give of my WHOLE heart. And most importantly, to not let those opportunities slip past out of fear. So much of post-loss life is guided by fear. Fear of further hurt,fear of loneliness, fear of the unknown. And at this point of life, I myself am part of the unknown. I am reaching for identity, to know who I am aside from the title of ‘widow’. And God is gently whispering in my ear, using so many avenues, that I am His.
Wow. What 10 minutes of not allowing yourself to think or censor your fingers can do. SO much to explore in that paragraph… I am really kind of speechless. I’ll have to return to expound on some of these things. But that purge felt good.
There is a lot happening in me and my life right now. And subsequently, not much on the blog as I grasp for something tangible. But there are grand things in store… a big change is coming soon for the blog, and I am involved in the beginning stages of an awesome project (I will update as I can!) And all along, I am trying to keep my focus on living life Unleashed. If you are tackling Project:Unleashed, what is happening in your life? Have you been met with struggles too? Have any successes to share? xoxo