Sometimes, like tonight, I listen to music from my ‘old days’ and I just want to scream. I miss that life for so many different reasons, and in moments like those I don’t even recognize the one I have or how the hell I got from that one to this one.
I have avoided that music, many of the things I used to do and, in many ways, parts of my old personality, without even realizing it along the way. I tell myself I’ve grown, I’ve changed, I’m ‘forging a new way’… but the cold stark reality, in many cases, is that it’s much easier to avoid certain things than to realize I just hide from them because it hurts.. The Hubs was my link and common ground to so many things, I mean we built so many aspects of our personalities and preferences and habits and lifestyle together. To continue on without him feels to weird, so in so many ways I’ve changed myself completely. I’ve stopped listening to certain music, I’ve stopped dressing certain ways, I’ve stopped doing certain activities, I’ve stopped living certain ways. Of course some of that is inevitable; I’m a different person now that I’ve experienced his loss and I’ve grown in many ways after becoming a mother. The two events of losing The Hubs and becoming a mother happened so close together that it is hard to know what influenced what.
But regardless, sometimes I just look at myself and think…how boring. I shrink down to believing I’ve become a boring shadow of my old self, someone who can be too quiet, too predictable, too apathetic, too stuck in her own routine and too caught up in what she ‘should’ do than what she wants to do. I worry that our son will grow up lacking the sense of humor and life he would have had if his father was here, if we had continued on the way we were. I worry he will not be the same person he would have been had he had The Hubs’ influence and my old sense of life in his life.
I know I working on this. I know I am light-years better than I was a year ago, two years ago. I know I am living more boldly than I have in a while. I know that I have a great life and I have so much to be thankful for and I am likely making a much bigger deal out of this than I need to.
But I still want more of that old girl. I want to find a way to integrate the crazy fun girl with the responsible graceful widowed mother, on a daily basis. I need to, because I need to be true to myself. I need to stop running from that old life, that old girl who loved that old boy and had that old life. That old girl who could rock with the best of them and was quick with a smartass comeback or inappropriate joke. Because you can have two sides of yourself and they can merge as one. Because you can bring the past into the future. And because I can’t hide from hardcore music forever. I just have to listen to it alone for now.