Identity

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Finding yourself again after you’ve lost your identity is such a wonderful, wonderful thing.

We all go through that identity crisis as teenagers and young adults, that period of angst and rebellion and mistakes and discovery, that time of trying on personas until just the right one fits. By the time we are in our mid-to-late twenties, most of us are finally settled.

Unless you experience something earth shattering. In my case, the person that most of my identity was tied to abruptly disappeared…

and thus a huge chunk of my identity went with him.

So much of my struggles since losing him can be traced back to that loss of identity. I was left this raw babe of a person, left behind, confused, uncertain and exposed and insecure and unsure of where to go.

For the longest time I tried to reshape her based on what I thought she should be like. I formed her identity from the past, from who she used to be and who her parents thought she should be and who she figured she should be as a parent and who the world thought she should be now. I gave that illusion of this new identity such power that I let myself feel bound by it, trapped, stifled.

But these days, I’m consciously letting all of those chains slip away. I’m recognizing when I think that way, and stopping it. And in the process, I’m discovering so much I didn’t know was there.

I’m realizing I’m stronger and more capable than ever before. I’m deeper, more substantial. I have more room to love and a greater capacity for appreciation and affection. I’m realizing that I’m still fun and I can still be silly, and I appreciate those carefree moments so much more now because it’s from a place of intention rather than innocence. The fibers I’m weaved from are more varied and richer than they used to be, and I’m slowly developing a finer talent for crafting them into the best they can be. I surprise myself sometimes, as I realize this person I am uncovering is someone I really like and someone who is worth a lot.

Is she perfect? Hell no. She is impatient, overly generous, nice to a fault, stubborn, overly optimistic, sometimes too impetuous and spontaneous, indecisive, an over thinker, and quite the procrastinator.

But she’s also pretty awesome.

Finding yourself again after you’ve lost your identity is such a wonderful, wonderful thing.

Sometimes that person is better than ever before. <3

monica chaney

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