According to the 5 stages of grief, anger is supposed to be #2.
I always felt a little like a freak for not following those. I never hit all of them when I was supposed to, or in any sort of order. Actually I’m not really sure I hit any of them in any kind of defined way, period.
However, I’m starting to wonder if, at 4.5 years out, I’m finally reaching the ‘anger’ stage. It’s the only one I’ve never felt ANY of, this whole time. I think a lot of people didn’t understand it. Plenty have asked me about it, but I’ve never questioned it. It just is…I’ve never been angry. Just never felt it. Until lately.
But the past few days it keeps coming out…
This face –>
(Excuse the upcoming barrage of language. Mom, please don’t read any further, unless a few ugly curses are okay. I don’t want to feel guilty for letting this out, so I’m cutting this post here.)
Following along with Thursday’s theme, this whole thing is stupid. Seriously. I’m so angry. We shouldn’t be here. I shouldn’t be here. My life shouldn’t be like this.
He shouldn’t have missed out on so much. We were supposed to do SO MUCH together. We should be drinking this “Bean” and Coke together for his birthday and bitching about turning 30, we should be taking Little Man to school and soccer practice and laughing at his crazy antics and little girlfriends and smart mouth that gets him trouble, together. We should be making fun of people and each other together, we should be riding that motorcycle together, we should be in there getting down in this mood I’m in together, we should be watching stupid Youtube videos and going to concerts and reminiscing about high school and doing rock-paper-scissors for chores and playing our grocery amount game at Publix and challenging each other to squats…TOGETHER. We should be calling family from our home out there somewhere and planning more kids and talking about the hard stuff and watching Tour of Duty and Family Guy and How Its Made, and trading off folding laundry and doing the floors, and venting about how this life is SO MUCH HARDER as adults than what we ever expected…TOGETHER.
I’m so angry that I’m feeling all that alone.
I’m so angry that my life is so solitary.
I’m so mad that I am alone. I’m so pissed off that I can’t have him anymore, and that if I can’t have him, I haven’t found ‘the one’ that he would have sent me by now. He would want me to share with someone else if he can’t be here. He said so himself, and would handpick a companion if he could. It’s a paradox — I want him, but I also know that I can’t have him, so I am finally ready for what comes next. And now that I’m ready, the world isn’t. I’m fine on my own, but is this the life I am destined for? I don’t want to do this alone forever!
This all sounds so terrible, but I’ve been working through the fact that I need to lose my filter. I know I’m not alone in my thoughts, even the less-than-pretty ones, so it’s time to put those all out there.
I don’t want to be solitary forever.
And I’m angry that I am.
And I’m angry that I’m even in the position to have the think about that.
It shouldn’t be that way.
It should be US. Wasn’t it enough that it took us all of high school to figure out that we were meant to be before we started our years together? What kind of cruel twist of fate decided that those moments were to be fleeting??
When I have my wits about me, I am happy to think that at least I was able to give him HIS all. I gave him his everything companion, his forever woman, his till-the-end. It’s an honor to be chosen to be strong enough to handle this, to bless him in the way I did, to be given this treasure of a child to carry on the legacy of love, to be the one who gets to hold so many of the memories that absolutely no one else has. I’m so, SO glad that I was chosen and blessed to be that person for him.
I just wish he could have been that person for me. He was supposed to be. That’s the life we signed up for. Instead, he left me at 25. And I’m left to face all these milestones and years and ups and downs, what sometimes feels like bliss and sometimes feels like UTTER SHIT, without him.
WHY ME? Is that whiney? Yes.
But I’m finally, finally, fucking ANGRY that it was me.
This is STUPID ridiculous.