Kinda Like Right Now

It has been a super busy summer!

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After returning home from my whirlwind trip around the world, I had just a couple weeks home with the kiddo before I whisked away yet again. This time I took my Little Man with me, a quick jaunt up to Virginia to film a PSA and family profile for the nonprofit I work with, the EODWF (I’ll share once it is finished). Little Man was so excited to take a plane trip! He has flown many times in his young life but all between the ages of 8 months and 2.5 years, so he doesn’t really remember much about it. He was so stoked to pack his suitcase and have his own seat next to the window where he could wear his own headphones and listen to his own music. Such a big boy.

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He was so well-behaved and soaked in everything, talking nonstop with excited questions and observations. Such a big difference from his first flight, a few days shy of 9 months old, when he cried in his carseat and squirmed through the cutting of his very first two teeth on the the three longest flights of both our lives, the flights that took us to Dover, DE to greet his father’s body. Sitting next to him this time I couldn’t help but think of those flights, the little bits I can remember through the numb shock in which I rotely operated. What a stark difference: this happy little boy, so tall and smart, so excited to be filmed and talk about his daddy… Almost 5 years ago, sitting next to the crying baby with everything so very very bleak, I couldn’t have possibly pictured our lives now, how we have not only survived but thrived. And as we told our story that weekend and remembered our hero, I stopped to smile often. The Hubs would be so proud.

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Then, just two days after returning home, with just enough time to unpack, do laundry, and toss it all back into our suitcases, Little Man and I took off yet again! This time, we snagged my mom, packed up the car, and hit the road south to one of our happy places: Indian Rocks Beach, FL. It has become a summer tradition for us to spend a couple weeks away together; napping and swimming and reading during the days, walking the beach with ice cream as we watch the sunset each night. It is a special time I feel so blessed to share with my mom and my child, our little trio of generations with a bond I’ll treasure forever. And we got a special treat this year — we got to witness a nest of sea turtle hatchlings make their way to ocean! So amazing.

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And as if two whole weeks of beach and relaxing (and eating…the food, oh the food!) wasn’t excellent enough, I got an awesome surprise on one of our last days there. Two mamas from my Moms Group (a kickass group of ladies I’ve known since we all met online in 2008 when pregnant with our kiddos) happened to also be in the area, so we met up! It was so lovely to finally meet these ladies and their kiddos in person. We’ve all been there for each other for 6 years, starting with our struggles to get pregnant and lasting through births and deaths, first steps and potty training, pains and joys. It was truly icing on the cake (ice cream?) of the vacation.

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But for everything there is a season, so now we’re back home and trying to switch gears, getting back into the daily routine as we prepare for the start of school. Starting Monday, Little Man is going to be a kindergartner! I can’t believe it. It doesn’t feel as shocking as it could, I suppose, since he will be continuing on at the same private school he has attended for preschool and pre-k the past two years. He will even have the same teacher he had last year, since it is Montessori school with combined classes where students work on individual levels. He is excited to return and show off his reading skills and maybe join the basketball team now that he’s a big kindergartner :)

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I feel like I still have so much to catch up on but, as I said in one of my last entries, every time I sit myself down to write the words just don’t come out. I had a visit with my therapist on Tuesday, my first since May, and she said something that really resonated with me: Perhaps I just don’t need this outlet in the same way I used to. Not that I don’t want to write any more, or that I won’t continue to write…and not that I am ‘over’ my grief, or ‘over’ my need for this kind of outlet to process it…but perhaps that need isn’t quite the same anymore…and THAT’S OKAY. I’ve become so used to approaching writing solely from that angle, that now when I don’t have an immediate pain to analyze, I often find myself crippled by writer’s block. Like my writing won’t be as ‘raw’ or ‘real’ or ‘rich’ if it isn’t filled with pain…like my gift of words was only born out of my darkest moments.

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I think I need to relearn how to write from joy. Maybe I need a fun project, something to write about that is pure fluff to shake the dust out of my head and get my groove back. Maybe I need a new blog, or a new design, or a new planner to write down ideas. Or maybe, I just need to shut up and stop expecting things of myself. I’m sure it’s easier than I’m making it: don’t write if I don’t feel like it, write when I do. Kinda like right now. :)

I feel the same way your therapist mentioned about my writing. I got so stuck on writing solely about grief and just wasn’t there anymore; that active and real pain. It comes and goes, but that’s not what I find myself wanting to share through my writing anymore. I hope you find that new voice, even if you don’t share it with the world.

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