Anger.

According to the 5 stages of grief, anger is supposed to be #2.

I always felt a little like a freak for not following those. I never hit all of them when I was supposed to, or in any sort of order. Actually I’m not really sure I hit any of them in any kind of defined way, period.

However, I’m starting to wonder if, at 4.5 years out, I’m finally reaching the ‘anger’ stage. It’s the only one I’ve never felt ANY of, this whole time. I think a lot of people didn’t understand it. Plenty have asked me about it, but I’ve never questioned it. It just is…I’ve never been angry. Just never felt it. Until lately.

But the past few days it keeps coming out…

This face –>

(Excuse the upcoming barrage of language. Mom, please don’t read any further, unless a few ugly curses are okay. I don’t want to feel guilty for letting this out, so I’m cutting this post here.)

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Andrea Lumpkin

Get it out Sis! You have a Right to be angry! And once your body has “drained” enough anger out you will be able to cope better. I Love you. I COULDN’T have been as strong as you if the roles were reversed. I’ve said that since DAY1. Sometimes Patience isn’t a virtue its a Punishment, but B will send you someone! Maybe he just hasn’t found anyone yet or maybe he’s not ready to Give you up yet either…..
P.s. glad to know I’m not the only one who gets the “you should feel guilty” vibes…..♡

Amelia

NOT stupid!! NOT ridiculous!! Justified!!! Reasonable!!! TOTALLY UNDERSTANDABLE!!!
Sending love.

[…] in the weeks prior to his birthday I found myself experiencing emotions I hadn’t before (namely, anger). Channeling these emotions into something good made a huge difference for me. In his honor, I […]

I had a dream.


via

I had a dream today.

As I’ve mentioned before, they happen rarely.

I’ve been sick this week, struggling against a cold that has had me napping daily. And during today’s mid-morning short nap, I had a dream.

Why today was any different, I don’t know. Maybe it’s some of the random things that have been occurring in daily life lately, too many and too random to list, or maybe it’s because we are just a few days away from his birthday. Maybe it’s because of what Little Man said yesterday. (This is it’s own story to be written one day, but in short, he prayed that he could have a daddy on Earth in addition to in heaven…) Or maybe there is no significance for the day or the why…maybe he likes to work without reason.

Regardless, I had a dream today. And it stuck with me, like they always do.

When I first woke up, in that place between wakefulness and sleep, it felt so real. It was just enough that I couldn’t quite tell it was a dream, couldn’t quite tell what was going on. It even took me a few minutes to realize who I was dreaming about, because the reality of the fact that I could possibly be dreaming about him because he was actually gone hadn’t hit me yet. Then once it did, I did the usual roll-over-and-squeeze-your-eyes-shut-tight thing, as if maybe I could possibly go back to sleep and keep the dream going. Or at least remember enough of it to savor it, or figure out the message.

But as usual, I can only remember snippets. Vignettes, images, words.

In my dream, I woke up somewhere in a house. I immediately began searching, I knew I was searching for something important but didn’t realize what it was yet. After looking in room after room, I found him on the porch. Wrapped up in a hoodie, holding a pack of cloves. Empty. I still didn’t see his face, or even realize who he was. I just sighed and sat down across from him with a soft smile, picked up the empty pack and asked him ‘why did you do that, didn’t you know that would hurt you?’ But as soon as I asked it, I put down the empty pack and told him ‘it’s okay, sometimes I’ve had too many too, gotten too close to try to dull the pain too, I understand, it’s alright.’ Then I reached out and pulled him into my lap, his head on my shoulder, and rubbed his back…that’s the strongest image of the entire dream, him curled up in my lap, me rubbing his back covered with a black hoodie sweater…that’s when I realized it was him.

As soon as I realized it was him, it’s like my waking mind connected with the dream mind somehow, because I immediately wanted to talk to him. I pulled him away from me, looked at his face. I only remember a frantic feeling, suddenly asking him everything, if he was okay, if he would ‘tell me’…whatever that means. And this is where it gets blurry. The only thing I can remember is his smile, him trying to soothe me, and somewhere in there him telling me we ‘would talk about it Friday.’

Then I woke up.

And all day today, I can’t get over it.

You see, most days I am okay. I am well-adjusted, I am self-sufficient, I am okay. In fact, I’d venture to say I am pretty happy and life has become normal.

But today, it hit me again.

THIS IS NOT OKAY. This life is NOT OKAY.

It’s just not.

As far as I try to go, as much as I try to move forward, as many steps as I take….am I just deluding myself? Is it always going to be ‘two steps forward, one step back’? Am I destined for that forever?

Moments like this one, parts of me would rather say f$&k trying to be well-adjusted. Screw trying to heal, or move forward, or make it all work. I would rather just sink right down into the ‘THIS LIFE IS STUPID’, abandon all of the progress, have a Jack and Coke, and cry.

And maybe that’s what I need to do. Maybe that’s part of the progress, recognizing that need to wallow, to feel, to mourn…acting on it, allowing it to be…and then picking back up and carrying on tomorrow. Maybe that’s why he didn’t want to talk to me in my dream until Friday. Or maybe I’m just a little crazy.

Whatever it is, I am sharing it here, because that seems always seems to help. I can’t be the only one who has lose-my-mind moments, even at 4.5 years out.

I had a dream today.

Lauren

<3 <3 <3

[…] along with Thursday’s theme, this whole thing is stupid. Seriously. I’m so angry. We shouldn’t be here. I […]

Smiling through the Sads

Today should be a High Five for Friday, but dude. This week has been tough. I have no high fives. I don’t even have any low fives.

Stress at school, uncertainty in relationships, impatience, a parenting concern, hurt feelings, and a few other things have put me in a funk that I am trying to pull myself out of.

The kiddo always helps cheer me up with his snuggles and laughter of course, but he also tests me as well. A visit with the good doc on Wednesday helped, so has prayer and a hefty dose of perspective. Venting to my best friend A and some encouragement from my Mama and a good talk with a friend who reminded me where to keep my focus (hint: upwards) have also helped me pull me up.

But it’s too easy to close up and slip into the sads in between.

So what have I been distracting myself with?

Reddit. Imgur. Buzzfeed. Pinterest. You know, musing over all the important things in life.

So since I don’t have any of my own, here are a few high fives for this Friday:

You’re welcome. :)

Time to go burn off some steam with another de-stresser – cleaning to the sweet sounds of loud angry music. Girls weekend starts tonight, woot! One of my best friends is coming in from Atlanta this afternoon and staying with me for the weekend for some trio time with A and me. I anticipate some much-needed silliness for everyone…first up, a dude’s burlesque show tonight. This is going to be interesting!

*edit, these aren’t linking to their sources properly for some reason, sorry! All came from the depths of the sites linked above :)

Tuesday Tunes | Miracle

Paramore – Miracle

Each week I share a currently meaningful or relevant song from my playlist. You can check out past Tuesday Tunes here. I love new music, so please share your favorite tunes in the comments or use the new weekly linky below! This linky is still new, so please share to get it going! :)

Tuesday Tunes Weekly Link Up!

Helping Yourself Heal – Part 3

helpingyourselfheal

Suggestion #3 – Talk Out Your Thoughts and Feelings

Express your grief openly. When you share your grief outside yourself, healing occurs. Allow yourself to talk about the circumstances of the death, your feelings of loss and loneliness, and the special things you miss about your spouse. Talk about the type of person your husband or wife was, activities that you enjoyed together, and memories that bring both laughter and tears.

Whatever you do, don’t ignore your grief. You have been wounded by this loss, and your wound needs to be attended to. Allow yourself to speak from your heart, not just your head. Doing so doesn’t mean you are losing control, or going “crazy.” It is a normal part of your grief journey. [source]

This is one suggestion I don’t feel like I have much room to talk about.

I’ve never really been one to talk about my feelings openly. Well, at least not the deep painful ones. Throughout my grief period, I haven’t really talked about it a lot. I’ve expressed my feelings and thoughts quite openly here on the blog, but I have been much more comfortable writing about it than talking about it.

When I have talked about it, it’s been with my head, not my heart. I have told the circumstances of The Hubs’ death many times, I have told my story, I have talked to family and friends and other widows. But it’s always been in a very detached, distant, cold kind of way. Kind of like I was talking about someone else, or just recounting some factual details of some story. When it comes to my own emotions, my own struggles, my own pain, I just don’t really talk about it. It’s much easier to push it down and only really let it out through written word.

Why is this? I think it has been a fear thing. I don’t like to cry, and I didn’t want to. And I knew if I talked about it and really connected with it, I would.

What I have learned from this flaw, however, is that this suggestion is truly spot on. You really do need to talk about it, you really do need to let it out. I kept things bottled up, not really speaking about them verbally, for years. And it just made it harder to do. Now, at four and a half years out, I am in therapy and finally opening up to talk about things verbally. And it is slow going. I’ve almost forgotten how to put things into words, and it’s still hard for me to push past my tendency to clam up when I feel myself on the verge of tears or becoming overwhelmed.

If you can find a way, allow your words to flow. Allow yourself to talk, and the key here, to talk from your heart, not just your head. It might get hard to verbalize, and the words might not make sense at time, but the outward flow is a cleansing process that is so necessary. <3

Check out Part 1 and Part 2 here, or read more about this series here.