Oh, passport. Over the past few years, you’ve given me such sad eyes.
One of my favorite things in the world is traveling. For me, there is nothing quite like planning a trip: researching the possibilities, fitting together the puzzle pieces of an itinerary, and feeling the anticipation as you speed down the road or take off the runway. As much as I love the preparation, the doing is so much more. Breathing in new air, seeing new sights, touching new things. I crave that, and enjoy and appreciate those moments more than I can ever describe. I am filled with wanderlust, always have been and always will be. So the sight of my poor passport, stamped only four times and expired in 2009, made my heart sad.
Man, I’ll tell ya. Life always knows what you need when you need it.
What do I need right now? Something to stretch my heart. Something to keep this growth going, to keep me tapping into this awesome new person I’m discovering, something to show me more of me. Adventure, joy, wonder. But within the confines of understanding and encouragement. An environment that recognizes me, and allows me to mirror that back in connection, support, and love.
That’s quite the mix to desire, I know. But mysterious ways abound, and it looks like I’m going to get all of that at once. It’s trip time, baby.
I was surprised with an awesome opportunity a couple of days ago. To some, this might not be such a big deal. “Oh, just a trip”, they might say. But for me, it’s so much more. Something this grand usually elicits an “oh man, that’s awesome, but I couldn’t” response. I tend to default to the ‘should’s’ (or rather the ‘shouldn’ts’) and dismiss it before I really consider it. This time, however, I shushed myself. I considered…and kept considering. And tonight, I’ve decided to go for it.
So, in a couple of months I’ll be taking off on an epic adventure with a great friend. We’re going to Paris, London, Dubai, and Nairobi in a whirlwind two weeks of fun. It’s such a motley choice of destinations, and I love that. I’ll be stepping foot in Europe, the Middle East, and Africa all in one trip. As someone who has only traveled internationally once (to live in Asia), my mind is already blown. Visions of macarons, the Moulin Rouge, hostels, village markets, epic sunsets, Land Rovers, the Big 5, huge beers, and lots of excellent conversations are dancing in my head…
I need this. And I’m so grateful. To my friend for his awesomeness, to my Mom for helping my heart by keeping my kiddo, to The Hubs for things I won’t list here, to life for timely opportunities, to myself for the work I’ve done to get to this place where I’ll seize opportunities, to God for his plans. And to my poor sad passport. I sent him off on his own adventure today. And in 4-6 weeks, he’ll be back, shiny and new and ready to be stamped again.
As long as you are breathing, there is hope….nothing is ever the end, and you never know what adventure is around the bend.
This post is a response to the weekly Writer’s Workshop over at Mama’s Losin’ It!. Learn more about the ‘pretty much famous’ weekly prompts here. This week I chose: “A blog post inspired by the word: passport.”
Sometimes all you need to do is say something out loud.
Just the act of realizing I was angry and officially saying it yesterday made all the difference in the world. It’s like vocalizing it made it lose it’s power or something. Instead of avoiding or rationalizing or denying, I let the anger wash over me and really feel it. And now I feel lighter today, freer, after wailing it out and letting it go. This is significant, and something I feel like I should mark, because it felt like I processed this differently than I usually do, somehow.
It feels like a milestone.
I’m growing. Things are changing. I can feel it. <3
According to the 5 stages of grief, anger is supposed to be #2.
I always felt a little like a freak for not following those. I never hit all of them when I was supposed to, or in any sort of order. Actually I’m not really sure I hit any of them in any kind of defined way, period.
However, I’m starting to wonder if, at 4.5 years out, I’m finally reaching the ‘anger’ stage. It’s the only one I’ve never felt ANY of, this whole time. I think a lot of people didn’t understand it. Plenty have asked me about it, but I’ve never questioned it. It just is…I’ve never been angry. Just never felt it. Until lately.
But the past few days it keeps coming out…
This face –>
(Excuse the upcoming barrage of language. Mom, please don’t read any further, unless a few ugly curses are okay. I don’t want to feel guilty for letting this out, so I’m cutting this post here.)
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I had a dream today.
As I’ve mentioned before, they happen rarely.
I’ve been sick this week, struggling against a cold that has had me napping daily. And during today’s mid-morning short nap, I had a dream.
Why today was any different, I don’t know. Maybe it’s some of the random things that have been occurring in daily life lately, too many and too random to list, or maybe it’s because we are just a few days away from his birthday. Maybe it’s because of what Little Man said yesterday. (This is it’s own story to be written one day, but in short, he prayed that he could have a daddy on Earth in addition to in heaven…) Or maybe there is no significance for the day or the why…maybe he likes to work without reason.
Regardless, I had a dream today. And it stuck with me, like they always do.
When I first woke up, in that place between wakefulness and sleep, it felt so real. It was just enough that I couldn’t quite tell it was a dream, couldn’t quite tell what was going on. It even took me a few minutes to realize who I was dreaming about, because the reality of the fact that I could possibly be dreaming about him because he was actually gone hadn’t hit me yet. Then once it did, I did the usual roll-over-and-squeeze-your-eyes-shut-tight thing, as if maybe I could possibly go back to sleep and keep the dream going. Or at least remember enough of it to savor it, or figure out the message.
But as usual, I can only remember snippets. Vignettes, images, words.
In my dream, I woke up somewhere in a house. I immediately began searching, I knew I was searching for something important but didn’t realize what it was yet. After looking in room after room, I found him on the porch. Wrapped up in a hoodie, holding a pack of cloves. Empty. I still didn’t see his face, or even realize who he was. I just sighed and sat down across from him with a soft smile, picked up the empty pack and asked him ‘why did you do that, didn’t you know that would hurt you?’ But as soon as I asked it, I put down the empty pack and told him ‘it’s okay, sometimes I’ve had too many too, gotten too close to try to dull the pain too, I understand, it’s alright.’ Then I reached out and pulled him into my lap, his head on my shoulder, and rubbed his back…that’s the strongest image of the entire dream, him curled up in my lap, me rubbing his back covered with a black hoodie sweater…that’s when I realized it was him.
As soon as I realized it was him, it’s like my waking mind connected with the dream mind somehow, because I immediately wanted to talk to him. I pulled him away from me, looked at his face. I only remember a frantic feeling, suddenly asking him everything, if he was okay, if he would ‘tell me’…whatever that means. And this is where it gets blurry. The only thing I can remember is his smile, him trying to soothe me, and somewhere in there him telling me we ‘would talk about it Friday.’
Then I woke up.
And all day today, I can’t get over it.
You see, most days I am okay. I am well-adjusted, I am self-sufficient, I am okay. In fact, I’d venture to say I am pretty happy and life has become normal.
But today, it hit me again.
THIS IS NOT OKAY. This life is NOT OKAY.
It’s just not.
As far as I try to go, as much as I try to move forward, as many steps as I take….am I just deluding myself? Is it always going to be ‘two steps forward, one step back’? Am I destined for that forever?
Moments like this one, parts of me would rather say f$&k trying to be well-adjusted. Screw trying to heal, or move forward, or make it all work. I would rather just sink right down into the ‘THIS LIFE IS STUPID’, abandon all of the progress, have a Jack and Coke, and cry.
And maybe that’s what I need to do. Maybe that’s part of the progress, recognizing that need to wallow, to feel, to mourn…acting on it, allowing it to be…and then picking back up and carrying on tomorrow. Maybe that’s why he didn’t want to talk to me in my dream until Friday. Or maybe I’m just a little crazy.
Whatever it is, I am sharing it here, because that seems always seems to help. I can’t be the only one who has lose-my-mind moments, even at 4.5 years out.
I had a dream today.
Today should be a High Five for Friday, but dude. This week has been tough. I have no high fives. I don’t even have any low fives.
Stress at school, uncertainty in relationships, impatience, a parenting concern, hurt feelings, and a few other things have put me in a funk that I am trying to pull myself out of.
The kiddo always helps cheer me up with his snuggles and laughter of course, but he also tests me as well. A visit with the good doc on Wednesday helped, so has prayer and a hefty dose of perspective. Venting to my best friend A and some encouragement from my Mama and a good talk with a friend who reminded me where to keep my focus (hint: upwards) have also helped me pull me up.
But it’s too easy to close up and slip into the sads in between.
So what have I been distracting myself with?
Reddit. Imgur. Buzzfeed. Pinterest. You know, musing over all the important things in life.
So since I don’t have any of my own, here are a few high fives for this Friday:
You’re welcome. :)
Time to go burn off some steam with another de-stresser – cleaning to the sweet sounds of loud angry music. Girls weekend starts tonight, woot! One of my best friends is coming in from Atlanta this afternoon and staying with me for the weekend for some trio time with A and me. I anticipate some much-needed silliness for everyone…first up, a dude’s burlesque show tonight. This is going to be interesting!
*edit, these aren’t linking to their sources properly for some reason, sorry! All came from the depths of the sites linked above :)
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