With Swallows Wings

…from my mind, that is. These days, it seems like you are always on the edge of my mind. Yet, you seem farther away than ever.

It’s so difficult to explain. No one quite seems to understand it either, how I can move forward SO much, as far enough as to desire love from someone else, yet still need and crave your presence. I guess the only souls who could really understand that sentiment are other widows.

What I really desire in moments like this, aside from the obvious you, is comfort. That feeling of ‘home’. I haven’t felt completely at rest, completely relaxed… 100% like I can sigh a sigh of content and say ‘phew, I am okay for second’… since March 2009 when you left. My soul needs a moment, a hug from you, a second of content and rest. Yes, my Faith gives me that, more than I’ve experienced thus far. But I still haven’t found that ‘partner aspect’ that I need.

I know it is coming in His due time. I have faith. But I am not incredibly patient. It is something I am praying for. What I really want is YOU back…but since I can’t have that, I am finally ready for whoever is next for my soul. Really, my heart is ready. So, is his? Whoever is meant to have this heart, is he ready?

Part of me feels so excited for this man, because I am going to smother him with love. Then again, part of me feels apprehensive for this man because I am probably going to totally overwhelm him! The amount of love pent up inside me, the things I have learned about life and love and affection and appreciation, the levels of acknowledgement and gratitude I am going to show this person, are likely to overwhelm him because unless he has experienced a similar loss that has changed his world view, he is likely not going to understand right away why I am the way I am. So, maybe I’ll show him this:

Future love of mine, your world is about to be rocked. Please don’t be afraid of me. I’ll try not to be afraid of you. If I come off too emotional, please understand that it is because emotions mean so much to me. I don’t want to let a second go by without you knowing how much I feel. If I seem distant sometimes, please understand it is because I am still figuring out how to reach you in your unique way. Please don’t think I’m not ready or that you aren’t worthy. You are just beautiful new territory. If I am moving quickly, please don’t see it as desperation or mistake it for neediness. In the life I have lived, I understand how short life and opportunities can be. I heed God’s call and I move when I feel led. If I feel your heart calling mine, I am going to respond based on His guidance. I trust His fate to keep things from moving too quickly. So, the sheer fact that you are reading this now means that you were called, I felt your heart calling mine, you have sang that gorgeous, special birdsong… and babe, all I can say is, you are the recipient of a stockpile of love that I cannot wait to bestow upon you. Smile and cheese your heart out as everyone becomes envious of *that guy* who is so obviously loved. I am so, so blessed to finally find you… It’s all in God’s hands. I give you up to Him.

Eventually… I know you are out there, my dear. I’ll be readying myself. And my first dear is ready to pass the torch because he loves me as much as you are going to <3