Okay, I think I’m ready to admit it. On Sunday night, I had a breakdown.
As in, if a mental health professional had been present, I would be locked up right now.
For the first time ever in my life…for perspective, I didn’t even do this upon initial notification… I collapsed in tears. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t see. I was throwing up in agony and screaming silently until my throat couldn’t utter another sound. I couldn’t imagine another second in the absolute sheer agony taking over every inch of my being.
I always thought that when I finally reached that rock bottom place, I would be too proud to admit it. But friends, I’m sharing with you my deepest darkest moment in hopes that it will reach the right person at the right time … for the very first time, I thought about the gun I keep under my bed for protection, and I thought about how easy it would be to grab it and put an end to my misery.
It hurts to say that publicly. It shames me admit my weakness, it makes me feel unworthy of the many blessings in my life to admit that I would be willing to end it all in their absence. But the truth is, in my lowest moment, I wanted to.
Thankfully, I proved to myself that night that I actually am the smart strong woman The Hubs always told me I was…because instead of giving in to the ultimate weakness, I reached out. In pure desperation, I thought about the beautiful soul sleeping in his bed amongst his stuffed animals and diecast cars and Daddy pillow, and I thought about my soulmate who would never want me to give up…and I called upon friends and family to talk me down from the very brink of despair.
I want to say thank you to the friends who responded to me that night and reminded me of the beautiful blessings in my life. And to my mother, who stayed on the phone with me from 4AM until the sun came up, and then immediately drove over and spent the day with me. And my second set of parents, who came over that evening and basked in the beauty of The Hubs presence in this world and the amazing gift he left us all…his son.
So, with all of this babbling out of the way, I’ve decided to share the brokenhearted letter I wrote to The Hubs in the midst of my breakdown. This is monumental, as it was the first letter I’ve written to him in a long time, and part of me can’t believe I am doing this because it was and is such an intimate, private moment with him.
But I am doing it for you, my fellow widows, because I know I am not alone. I know many of you have felt the same emotions and I want you all to know you are not alone. My heart is there too…and if you ever need anything, please reach out. Together, we will survive.