Miss you.

Bryan Berky Memorial Video from ERIN on Vimeo

Thank you to my dear friend Jason for making this beautiful video.

We miss you, dear. <3

Jaclyn

There is no one word to describe the feelings I had while watching this. I am so happy you two found your soul mate in one another although it was not nearly long enough, I am grateful to God for him blessing you two with such a perfect son, I am proud to say I share the same Stewart blood with him and that you are apart of this family <3 Love you!

Oh Erin….this made me cry. What a wonderful thing for your friend to do. You wedding dress….BEAUTIFUL!

Christi

This was a beautiful video. I know that this past year has been EXTREMELY rough and I know you are not looking forward to this year anniversary but always remember he IS with you and always will. Through pictures, through your son, and through memories. I cannot say that only time will heal the pain cause it won’t. It never will, you will alway have pain and sorrow. You lost your soulmate, you love and your best friend! We all miss Bryan but I just can’t imagine how you feel. Just know that we are all here for you and praying for you and your son! He is getting so big! You will always have apart of him, though your son! If you ever need anything Erin let me know! My heart goes out to you! I too am from a military family, my father and brother are in the National Guard. I have been blessed with having both of them still in my life. But the horror of loosing them lingers deep in my mind! Take care and stay strong, you are doing an amazing job!

This video is absolutely beautiful. I especially loved the short videos of Him and the proverbs at the end. Thank you to the preciouse friend who made this.

What a beautiful tribute to your amazing husband. This absolutely made me cry, especially with the beautiful words that went along with the video and images. It appears that you are blessed with wonderful friends to help you through these hard times!

Anna Posted on Wish I could have gone with you guys. I always want to look back at Hunter and then I aoslmt fall over. Typical me LOVE these pictures of the ride.

Simply Sunday

This week I’m grateful for many things, but I’m soaking in every ounce of the biggest
blessing in my life: this smart, funny, loving, rambunctious, and beautiful little boy
whom I am blessed to call my son. I treasure every moment with him
and I am so thankful I’m his Mommy.

 

A son you should be proud of! What an infectious smile he has….love the photos.,

monica

I love that little cousin of mine as well. Erin, you have raised such an amazing,smart,loving,outgoing little boy that i am so proud to call my little cousin! Love you both!

Dreams

I woke up breathless around four this morning. I had a dream about The Hubs, my first in a while.

I don’t dream about him much. In the beginning I remember wishing, pleading, hoping for a dream about him…anything just so I could see him and hear him and feel him again. It took forever for that dream to finally happen and when it did, I wrote it all down as soon as I woke up. I did that for most of the first dreams I had of him. They were few and far between and they all seemed to hold some sort of specific message. I was so grateful for those dreams.

Now, I still rarely dream of him. But I don’t wish for them as much anymore. Because when I do have them, they aren’t good dreams.

It’s hard to remember the dreams now beyond the first few minutes of waking. But they all seem to have the same theme: he’s back. We are both aware that he died and is back now. Why he is back varies from dream to dream; it was all a big mistake and he was lost in Afghanistan, it was a cover-up for a covert operation no one could know about, he was actually recovering in a hospital somewhere and had amnesia, etc. Last night’s version: he actually was dead, but somehow miraculously revived. In all of these dreams, he never quite looks or acts like himself. He has varying degrees of injuries or has simply changed into a slightly different person. And in all of these dreams, while we are ecstatic to see each other and still very much in love, we know he is going to have to leave again and whatever it is we are doing (last night it was packing our bags in a hotel and getting ready to travel somewhere) is filled with a sense of dread that our reunion isn’t going very last long.

These dreams leave me so unsettled. It’s hard to describe. It usually takes me half of the following day to recover from the odd feeling I am left with. I feel fresh hurt all over again. For a moment, after waking, I feel so excited seeing his face and hearing his voice and ‘feeling’ him around again. And then I feel disappointment, knowing it wasn’t real. And then I feel something I’m having a hard time putting into words: an unsettled feeling, kind of haunted and hollow, shaken and upset and looking over my shoulder. I wish I knew what this was and why it is happening.

I thought maybe writing about it would help put it all together, but I’m just feeling more ‘off’ thinking about it all. I hate this feeling these dreams leave me with, and I hate that I don’t enjoy my dreams of The Hubs. I wish I could have just one real, pleasant, happy dream of him, to see him as him again. But wishes could come true, we all know what I’d wish for.

Jaclyn

I am a full believer in dreams and after losing someone I love dearly, them communicating with us through our dreams. After my Dad died, I had a dream that he was being wheeled into an ambulance and me telling him that I thought he had died. His response was “No,I’m right here”. I replied to him that I was there, I saw him pass away. He said “I just wanted to let you know I was okay.” I have had 2 very similar dreams since then…maybe he is telling you to pack up something? I don’t know but, I do hope and pray you get the very happy dream with him as I know how disappointing it is to wake up to find reality smacking us right in the face :(

Love you!

Laura

It sounds like your subconcious is trying to work out issues of living your life while moving farther away from the life you loved. You’re still slowly letting go. It’s ok, you’re just fine, it’s a part of working through these emotions so you can grow. Feel a hug from me!

Amber

You don’t know me, but I knew your husband. We were in the same class in EOD school. I heard about your blog through the Fertility Friend boards (of all places). I just wanted to offer my condolences. My husband and I were both EOD and I just felt like I needed to reach out – because I don’t feel it happen often enough. Often, when someone we know has died (even in the tight EOD community), we get to move on while their family is left shattered to pick up the pieces. I have read your blog and I admire your courage and your strength. I would only hope I could have an ounce of that if I were in your place. The nation may not recognize it, but there are heros in those who support their spouses who wear the uniform. They are given no medals for this and that’s a shame.

In the beginning I rarely dreamed of TJ and like you I longed for it. Although about 2 weeks ago I was in that half awake/half asleep state on a Sunday morning and I was so sure I heard him in the kitchen making coffee that I yelled out his name and asked if he had fed the horses yet (this was an every Sunday thing when he was alive). The moment I did it I knew it was wrong and I was totally freaked out by my behavior and his dog jumped up and perked his ears up upon hearing TJ’s name out loud….I felt so bad. This has haunted me every since.

I have no idea what dreams mean or if they really mean anything. I do know that they can bring comfort or be disturbing and I prefer the ones that bring comfort.

Hang in there!

Tricia

Hi Erin. This is the first time I’ve read your blog. I actually found it through BlogHer voices. I can’t imagine what you’ve been through. But my friend lost her husband in Iraq 3 and a half yrs ago. They were high school sweet hearts and he died right around their one yr anniversary. It was hard to know she was a widow at 20. But I thank you so much… for voicing your feelings here. It’s so brave. And thank you for being a hero, because you are. And I hope one day your child sees that. Daddy may be an obvious hero, but mom is one too.

Simply Sunday, Tuesday Style :)

I’ve had a serious case of writer’s (blogger’s?) block since I returned home from vacation. I’m not sure why, because I had a ton of ideas come to me as I was traveling. I guess it’s time to start carrying around a notepad (and make myself use it!) because now that I’m back in the daily routine, I seem to have lost all inspiration. I still intend to do a huge recap post, complete with pictures, from the trip…whenever I can get the words from my head to my fingers. Somebody bust me out of my rut! :P

So while I am sitting on my ass being a hermit waiting for inspiration to strike, I thought I’d share a few of those travel photos as a late Simply Sunday, since I missed it this week.

I’m thankful for the majestic power of light and the ways it affects my moods.

Beaverhead-Deerlodge National Forest, MT

Lolo National Forest, taken from Double Arrow Lookout, Seeley Lake, MT

Lolo National Forest, taken from Double Arrow Lookout, Seeley Lake, MT

Lolo National Forest, taken from Double Arrow Lookout, Seeley Lake, MT

I’m thankful for all of God’s creations and the blessing of beauty that has been bestowed upon us.

Beaverhead-Deerlodge National Forest, MT

National Bison Range, MT

National Bison Range, MT

Beaverhead-Deerlodge National Forest, MT

Lolo National Forest, MT

And I’m thankful for the rich history of our land and it’s treasured preservation.

Bighole National Battlefield, MT

Garnet Ghost Town, MT

Garnet Ghost Town, MT

Garnet Ghost Town, MT

Garnet Ghost Town, MT

I obviously need to vacation with you! love it!

Laura

Those photos are breathtaking! Thanks for sharing!

monica

love you photos Erin!

Enjoyed the photo work, Erin, thanks. We’ll be at Double Arrow Lookout on the Sept long-weekend. Please feel free to check out my photography site as listed above.

Thanks

GSB

God is still God, and God is still good.

God really touched my heart tonight, and I want to share it.

A few days ago, a friend tweeted a link to a video about her friend’s story that was shared as part of a sermon series at their church. Because my friend had mentioned this girl’s name to me in the past, I was intrigued and watched the video. The girl’s story touched me, as did the overall message of their church’s sermon series. After watching it I went about my day, but the message kept entering my thoughts and I felt really pulled to learn more about this church. Tonight, I visited their website and watched one of their sermons as well as a few other videos that shared member’s stories. And one of them was meant for me to hear.

If you are widow who, like me, has struggled with your faith since losing your spouse, you need to hear this woman’s words. God shines in her and the strength, thankfulness, and love He exudes through her reached right into my heart tonight. Her words ministered to me; made me face my doubts and my wobbly faith, and realize that I don’t have to have the answers, I don’t have to turn my back on Him because of what happened, and I can find peace and hope in Him.

I thank this woman for sharing her story, and my friend for indirectly leading me to the message I needed to hear, and God for reaching into my hardened heart and softening it enough for me to begin to step forward on the journey back to Him.

“Why did he allow this to happen? I don’t have all the answers. But I do know that I will praise God. Because through cancer, and death, and grief, God is still God, and God is still good.”

Love this! So glad that you found Mandy’s story. God is SO good!

Wow, thank you for sharing this video. Beautiful.

I’m glad that God was able to use it to speak to you, and give you comfort.

Erin

Thank you Anna! You are such a wonderful woman and you shine the light of Christ in so many ways. I thank you for your friendship. I wish I could finally meet you in person and visit your blessed church; maybe soon! :)

Erin

You’re welcome, Selina. The least I could do was share this amazing testimony that touched me in so many ways. I too am glad that God could comfort me through this story, and hope that it reaches others who need it too.

Christi

WOW! This just touched me in so many ways! This is is an amazing video!