Blast from the Past

September 29, 2009

I wish I knew where to start. I wish I knew what to say. I wish I could feel just one thing, one emotion. If I could feel just one single feeling, then maybe I could truly feel something and focus on it and deal with it. Instead, I feel numb. Dead. If I allow myself to feel, I feel about 500 things at once, and it is incredibly overwhelming. I have to be blank, I just can’t take it. I wish I could reach deep down to the place where I have locked away all of my emotions and pull one out at a time. Then I could feel each one individually, deeply, and completely, then process it and move on to the next. Instead, I just feel dead. And if I’m completely honest with myself, a huge part of me wishes I *were* dead so I wouldn’t have to feel. The only thing keeping a glimmer of life alive inside of me is my son.

As quickly as the urge to write came over me, it is gone. This is all so fucked up.

Thank you for opening up and sharing these entries. Based on the entries that I have read compared to this entry that you just posted, I’d agree that you have come a long way. It’s only natural and normal for there to be hard times, lonely times and those times that you don’t know how you are going to go on. From what I’ve read you are a strong amazing woman and you will get through this – this with with many other amazing people by your side.

Thank you for sharing your story! I cannot begin to imagine the pain,and everything else that you go through on a daily basis. I am new to your blog, but I am very encouraged by your willingness to go on through the pain, I am looking forward to following your journey.

Erin

Thank you Suzanne! Sometimes it’s hard to see how far time has brought us, and revisiting the raw emotions of the past can really help. I appreciate your support!

Erin

Thank you so much for visiting the blog, Kristle! It’s difficult, but I’ve found encouragement in writing and in people like you!

Blast from the Past

Prior to this blog, I kept a private journal for many, many years. I had an off-and-on relationship with my LiveJournal, going through periods of writing daily then writing very infrequently, and sometimes even deleting the whole thing and starting again.

After all of the initial arrangements and services that occurred after The Hubs died, I found myself all alone in our house in South Dakota, far away from our families in Florida, the single parent of an infant and facing the worst pain of my life, all alone. Knowing I would explode if I didn’t get things out but not quite ready to start sharing, I turned to that old trusty private journal, writing in it when I felt like I was going to scream. At one point, I almost deleted all of the entries, like I had done many times before, but something told me not to. And now, a year after starting this blog, a year of reaching out and connecting with so many other amazing people, I know why I didn’t delete those old entries.

That old journal is a time capsule, an account of one of the rawest and most painful times of my life. I am so glad those thoughts are there for me to revisit, to act as proof of how far I’ve come, how much I’ve grown. They give me hope – sure I still have hard times now, but if I was able to come this far, how far can I ultimately go? And that feeling of hope is so important. So I’ve decided to share these stories with you, those who are also facing the rollercoaster of widowhood, in hopes that maybe you will feel the same sense of optimism and accomplishment. In hopes that you will know you aren’t alone in your feelings, that you will get through those depths of despair. And that there are people who understand you and are right there with you on your journey.

So, once a week I will share a post from my previously-private journal, in chronological order. Here’s to hope.

monica chaney

Erin,
You are such an inspiration to so many people. I truly admire you! I know why Brian married you, you are a wonderful, caring, considerate and loving person. im so sorry that you have to go through this but i also know that you are a great support for others even in a time when you need support as well. love ya!!!

Erin

Love you too Monica! Your support means so much to me and I’m so thankful to call you family!

STAND UP.

I just returned home from an amazing weekend at Camp Widow 2011.

Before this weekend, I had never heard the song “Stand Up” by Sugarland. Now, I can’t stop listening to it.

This weekend, I found my voice. And more importantly, I found the hope and strength to stand up and use it.

More to come on my experience at the amazing Camp Widow. Until then, listen to this song and watch this video. Every picture represents a widowed person not only surviving loss, but thriving. You can, too. <3

Sugarland — Stand Up

All the lonely people cryin’
It could change if we just get started
Lift the darkness, light a fire
For the silent and the broken hearted

Won’t you stand up
Stand Up
Stand Up
Won’t you stand up you girls and boys?

Won’t you stand up
Stand Up
Stand Up
Won’t you stand up and use your voice?

There’s a comfort
There’s healing
High above the pain and sorrow
Change is coming
Can you feel it?
Calling us in to a new tomorrow

Won’t you stand up
Stand Up
Stand Up
Won’t you stand up you girls and boys?

Won’t you stand up
Stand Up
Stand Up
Won’t you stand up and use your voice?

When the walls fall all around you
When your hope has turned to dust
Let the sound of love surround you
Beat like a heart in each of us

Won’t you stand up
Stand Up
Stand Up
Won’t you stand up you girls and boys?

Won’t you stand up
Stand Up
Stand Up
Won’t you stand up and use your voice?

Won’t you stand up
Stand Up
Stand Up
Won’t you stand up you girls and boys?

Won’t you stand up
Stand Up
Stand Up
Won’t you stand up

Won’t you stand up
Stand Up
Stand Up
Won’t you stand up and use your voice?

Miss you.

Bryan Berky Memorial Video from ERIN on Vimeo

Thank you to my dear friend Jason for making this beautiful video.

We miss you, dear. <3

Jaclyn

There is no one word to describe the feelings I had while watching this. I am so happy you two found your soul mate in one another although it was not nearly long enough, I am grateful to God for him blessing you two with such a perfect son, I am proud to say I share the same Stewart blood with him and that you are apart of this family <3 Love you!

Oh Erin….this made me cry. What a wonderful thing for your friend to do. You wedding dress….BEAUTIFUL!

Christi

This was a beautiful video. I know that this past year has been EXTREMELY rough and I know you are not looking forward to this year anniversary but always remember he IS with you and always will. Through pictures, through your son, and through memories. I cannot say that only time will heal the pain cause it won’t. It never will, you will alway have pain and sorrow. You lost your soulmate, you love and your best friend! We all miss Bryan but I just can’t imagine how you feel. Just know that we are all here for you and praying for you and your son! He is getting so big! You will always have apart of him, though your son! If you ever need anything Erin let me know! My heart goes out to you! I too am from a military family, my father and brother are in the National Guard. I have been blessed with having both of them still in my life. But the horror of loosing them lingers deep in my mind! Take care and stay strong, you are doing an amazing job!

This video is absolutely beautiful. I especially loved the short videos of Him and the proverbs at the end. Thank you to the preciouse friend who made this.

What a beautiful tribute to your amazing husband. This absolutely made me cry, especially with the beautiful words that went along with the video and images. It appears that you are blessed with wonderful friends to help you through these hard times!

Anna Posted on Wish I could have gone with you guys. I always want to look back at Hunter and then I aoslmt fall over. Typical me LOVE these pictures of the ride.

Simply Sunday

This week I’m grateful for many things, but I’m soaking in every ounce of the biggest
blessing in my life: this smart, funny, loving, rambunctious, and beautiful little boy
whom I am blessed to call my son. I treasure every moment with him
and I am so thankful I’m his Mommy.

 

A son you should be proud of! What an infectious smile he has….love the photos.,

monica

I love that little cousin of mine as well. Erin, you have raised such an amazing,smart,loving,outgoing little boy that i am so proud to call my little cousin! Love you both!