Thank you to my dear friend Jason for making this beautiful video.
We miss you, dear. <3
This week I’m grateful for many things, but I’m soaking in every ounce of the biggest
I woke up breathless around four this morning. I had a dream about The Hubs, my first in a while.
I don’t dream about him much. In the beginning I remember wishing, pleading, hoping for a dream about him…anything just so I could see him and hear him and feel him again. It took forever for that dream to finally happen and when it did, I wrote it all down as soon as I woke up. I did that for most of the first dreams I had of him. They were few and far between and they all seemed to hold some sort of specific message. I was so grateful for those dreams.
Now, I still rarely dream of him. But I don’t wish for them as much anymore. Because when I do have them, they aren’t good dreams.
It’s hard to remember the dreams now beyond the first few minutes of waking. But they all seem to have the same theme: he’s back. We are both aware that he died and is back now. Why he is back varies from dream to dream; it was all a big mistake and he was lost in Afghanistan, it was a cover-up for a covert operation no one could know about, he was actually recovering in a hospital somewhere and had amnesia, etc. Last night’s version: he actually was dead, but somehow miraculously revived. In all of these dreams, he never quite looks or acts like himself. He has varying degrees of injuries or has simply changed into a slightly different person. And in all of these dreams, while we are ecstatic to see each other and still very much in love, we know he is going to have to leave again and whatever it is we are doing (last night it was packing our bags in a hotel and getting ready to travel somewhere) is filled with a sense of dread that our reunion isn’t going very last long.
These dreams leave me so unsettled. It’s hard to describe. It usually takes me half of the following day to recover from the odd feeling I am left with. I feel fresh hurt all over again. For a moment, after waking, I feel so excited seeing his face and hearing his voice and ‘feeling’ him around again. And then I feel disappointment, knowing it wasn’t real. And then I feel something I’m having a hard time putting into words: an unsettled feeling, kind of haunted and hollow, shaken and upset and looking over my shoulder. I wish I knew what this was and why it is happening.
I thought maybe writing about it would help put it all together, but I’m just feeling more ‘off’ thinking about it all. I hate this feeling these dreams leave me with, and I hate that I don’t enjoy my dreams of The Hubs. I wish I could have just one real, pleasant, happy dream of him, to see him as him again. But wishes could come true, we all know what I’d wish for.
I’ve had a serious case of writer’s (blogger’s?) block since I returned home from vacation. I’m not sure why, because I had a ton of ideas come to me as I was traveling. I guess it’s time to start carrying around a notepad (and make myself use it!) because now that I’m back in the daily routine, I seem to have lost all inspiration. I still intend to do a huge recap post, complete with pictures, from the trip…whenever I can get the words from my head to my fingers. Somebody bust me out of my rut! :P
So while I am
I’m thankful for the majestic power of light and the ways it affects my moods.
I’m thankful for all of God’s creations and the blessing of beauty that has been bestowed upon us.
And I’m thankful for the rich history of our land and it’s treasured preservation.
God really touched my heart tonight, and I want to share it.
A few days ago, a friend tweeted a link to a video about her friend’s story that was shared as part of a sermon series at their church. Because my friend had mentioned this girl’s name to me in the past, I was intrigued and watched the video. The girl’s story touched me, as did the overall message of their church’s sermon series. After watching it I went about my day, but the message kept entering my thoughts and I felt really pulled to learn more about this church. Tonight, I visited their website and watched one of their sermons as well as a few other videos that shared member’s stories. And one of them was meant for me to hear.
If you are widow who, like me, has struggled with your faith since losing your spouse, you need to hear this woman’s words. God shines in her and the strength, thankfulness, and love He exudes through her reached right into my heart tonight. Her words ministered to me; made me face my doubts and my wobbly faith, and realize that I don’t have to have the answers, I don’t have to turn my back on Him because of what happened, and I can find peace and hope in Him.
I thank this woman for sharing her story, and my friend for indirectly leading me to the message I needed to hear, and God for reaching into my hardened heart and softening it enough for me to begin to step forward on the journey back to Him.
“Why did he allow this to happen? I don’t have all the answers. But I do know that I will praise God. Because through cancer, and death, and grief, God is still God, and God is still good.”